What Happens When You: Work, Date, And Try To Stay Away From Crazies
It all goes horribly wrong.
"Is he the one? What? No! I'm the one. I'm the star. Everyone else is part of the supporting cast. He might make a cameo appearance." My sister is amazing.
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First email: Hi: Too bad your sister's place is not big enough. Otherwise, I may move to California for a few months a year to be your personal cook and physical trainer. Love, Dad Translation of what he is really saying: Hi girls, how do escape your mother (tyranny) by pretending to be useful so she won't figure out my master scheme?" Second email a couple hours later: Hi: I have been taking Tai Chi class once a week. I then practice what I learned at home twice a day. Tai Chi helps me strengthening my body and calming my mind. You may also find that helpful. When you are at home, we can go and take classes together. Love, Dad My sister finally texts me: "How come dad's encouraging emails to you are like never encouraging. He's like instead look at me!!! I am a glamazon princess!!" Translation of what he is saying: "Dad will finally get an official fan club member if I move home. A real fan to watch him play ping pong. I can wave the fan club sign, but realistically it will be me fanning him with a big feather like the emperor popstar he thinks he is." Moral Of The Story: While my dad is actually a real genius, he is actually normal - just more wily and cunning and very, very happy. My goal: Be more like my dad when I get old. I come home. I am a bit cranky from the day and I go towards my room. I see my slumlord on his computer in his room. Yogi isn't in his room
Naked Yogi, yelling from a distance like he is outside in the backyard, "Aubrey, don't come out!" Me: "Huh" Naked Yogi:"Don't come out- I'm naked!" Me:"Why are you naked? Are you outside?" Naked Yogi: "Yeah I am shaving. Actually, can one of you come out here to help shave my back." Slumlord looks at me from his room:"I think this type of situation needs a woman's touch." Me:"Oh heck no, he pays you money - you take one for the team." Slumlord sulks and wanders over to the porch in his fluffy alpaca slippers and robe. Naked yogi has the decency to put on some boxer briefs by this point. Slumlord starts the electric shaver and starts shaving Yogi's back with the most disgusted "WTH am I doing face." Slumlord:"My poor porch." Naked Yogi:"Don't worry guys. All the animals will have more stuff to make their nests - nothing will be wasted." Slumlord is doing such a patchy job I start micromanaging and telling him all the places he has missed. All I can think is how the hell did I get into this situation. Why me? Me: "Yogi, you need to get professional manscaping done." Yogi:"Usually it's not a problem. My girlfriends would do it for me and since I am single right now, I have you guys." Me:"No way. I wouldn't do that for anyone unless we were married." Slumlord finishes and turns off the electric shaver. A look of utter distraughtness to his face. Like he has finally become a broken man. Yogi walks into the house and looks in the mirror to look at his back: "Looking sharp, guys. Great teamwork." And then slaps us both on the back. All I could think was: This is a family neighborhood (!) and our wood fence is half down due to our slumlord's maintenance neglect... anyone could have gotten an eye full. Moral of the story: What did I do to deserve this? What did I do wrong in my last life? Now, I am counting down the days till I move out of the state. T minus 59 days. |
AubreyA girl trying to enjoy life on the West Coast without any worries, but odd things just keep happening. Archives
November 2016
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