What Happens When You: Work, Date, And Try To Stay Away From Crazies
It all goes horribly wrong.
Yes.... And your point????!!!
Clearly we weren't going to match (though he kept trying after that- more on that story later interaction later). At least I never had to meet him in person. I would have been mad pissed if I had to put on clothes and makeup to see him. Phew! Dodged that bullet! Time for the move on dance! Pretty impressed with myself: My first online dating block ever. I should celebrate. Word of Advice: You Be You. Don't let anyone change you if you are happy with who you are. And guys - stop trying to force things. I am not changing for you.
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![]() So back in my day... aka only really dated one guy for years... being back in a new game is totally different. My friends were like we are getting worried you like being single too much. My mother thinks I am a lesbian... Yeah apparently I am long overdue to get into the dating scene. So I downloaded Tinder. First guy to message me seems really nice. Guy: "Hey let's be Snapchat friends so we can snap each other stuff since Tinder doesn't let you send photos. So we can get to know each other more." Me: "I was like oh good t know! Let's do it!" Redownloads Snapchat and has to watch a YouTube video like an old person because it has changed so much since I was in my early 20s. Guy later on Snapchat: "Hey! Send me a photo!" Me, awkwardly takes a selfie of myself in the park and sends. Guy: "Very nice :)" Me: "Send me a pic now too :)" Guy:"What would you like?" Me: "Surprise me :)" Guy: DICK PIC. Me looks and squints:"Huh? What is that.. Omg is that what I think it is! ACK, ack OMG NOOO.. It is isn't?! Sh%t, it disappeared so fast!" Guy:"You like?" In my mind: HOLY SHIT I NEED SOME HOLY WATER FOR MY EYES - THEY BURN. AND WHO SENDS A PHOTO WHEN THEY CLEARLY HAVEN'T MANSCAPED. HAVE SOME F&CKING DIGNITY. Okay, let's give a word of advice. I don't know one girl who says, "MMMMmmm, I love me a dick pic." If you know a girl who does you let me know. I would love to be BFFs with her. Moral of the story: Never say surprise me. I was damn surprised. Namely this is a shout out to my ex (who I turned off notifications on, but that safety alert still shows up).
I am about to post I am safe on my couch eating potato chips. Maybe I will put an amber alert on myself too.. or at least get a life alert. Yeah I need a life alert, except there is an age restriction on those (ageism at its finest) Though I really believe "I'm safe" is a really useful Facebook tool when there are really big events - Just the wrong people use it especially after the news posts the victims. If I wanted to know I would be sending you a text. Just some morning mulling as I sip my $7 dollar tea at a hipster coffee shop (yeah I should have looked at the prices before I ordered it.. I almost choked when I saw the bill). Now I am just going to sit here until this place closes because I earned my spot here. So yeah, today I am a bit salty. So last night I was like I am kind of bored (yeah this is how it always starts), what type of events are happening tonight. So I went onto Eventbrite and I saw that this BSDM studio here had a talk. I was like oh I did the Groupon tour of the studio (which is top rated on Groupon). It was like the same as any LA studio tour, except the sets looked different. The tour itself was fabulous - very informative and sterile like education, it wasn't dirty at all - they just wanted to advocate sex worker rights. So of course I was like oh, okay, I read the syllabus online and it just sounds like information about the differences between 50 Shades of Grey and like the safe version for at home. I was like that is interesting and I haven't been in a relationship in years or gone on a date that maybe it would be kind of fun to learn something. So to me education = knowledge = empowerment (which I def think is true). I also thought that well this three hour event will be in a TedTalk format, like all the other talks I have been going to in the last three months. So I sign up.
Here is how it went 1) They charged singles vs couples way more 2) I get into the room they are hosting the talk They were like: "Are you here as a single or part of a couple?" Me: "I am like uhh I'm a single." (LOL of course) Them: "Okay, well this event is always sold out when we do it, so if you could find an odd number of seated row, it would help with our seating arrangements." Me:"Great, this is going to be a really good talk since it is apparently a best seller. Embarrassing that as per usual, I'm alone and like almost everyone else is in a couple. And that I got called out for being single - even though my ticket was way more expensive. LOLZ." They settle everyone down: "Just an fyi, there will be some live demos." Me in mind:"Okay, they will show ups some bondage instructions I guess? Whatevs" 3) 20 minutes in the host is super informative. Yeah he threw in some dirty words, but I am like uh okay, I guess that should be expected. Stop being a prude. 4) 50 minutes, host has a co host who is a woman and she has no panties on.... I am like "Omg, what is happening." He showed some different ways to lead someone and use clothing as a way to make restraints. Always places not to touch or hold someone for safety reasons. Me: "Okay, I get it, still not understand the no panty rule with the cohost, but like I guess it adds to the validity of this? I guess that is a draw for the live demo-ing? Don't think too hard, you aren't in your element. Just go with it." 5) There was a quick break. I'm like okay, not really what I was really expecting, but like yeah I can totally understand the need to show rules and different ways to be dominant. I guess I should have realized that by just where I am.. Whomp whomp okay well there is only an 1.5 hr left so I guess it will keep going in the same format. 6) HELL NO DID IT KEEP GOING AT THE SAME PACE. STUFF GOT REAL REALLLLL. After the break, all the sudden everything came to light. My version of live demoing meant just showing on a human body or on a demo dummy. NOPE- THERE WAS LIVE HARDCORE FORNICATION DEMOING FOR 1.5 HOURS. That is what they meant in the beginning about "live demoing". I just sat there frozen. Like deer in the headlights. I sank more and more into my chair. I was like "WTH IS GOING ON". Like eveeerrrrything was happening. Anything position, act, it was all out there. I mean at 30 years old I shouldn't be squeamish. But let's be honest, it's been years since I have even touched someone and this isn't what I expected when I thought I was just dipping my toe back into the water. Only I would go in with freaking rose colored glasses. Like wth though! That WAS NOT in the description! 7)I kept trying to distract myself. I tried to take a nap (yeah not with all those sounds going on), looking around (a lot of people had their corporate t-shirts on- loud and proud, good for them), checking my phone (yeah trust me, I wasn't taking photos). Like I didn't want to walk out because I thought that would be just rude, but I tried to keep my game face strong, even though I think it just made me look more uncomfortable. 8) It ended, and I was the first to bolt the heck out of there. To be fair though: - Everyone else was totally into it. Maybe because they were with their partners?? -The hosts were really informative, instructional (clearly), funny, and very open and welcoming. They didn't have any judgement to them so it was a safe place. So I totally understand on a rational level why this is super popular -So like, yeah if you are in a couple or curious about increasing your sexual education - definitely go. But like I wish I had known about what I was walking into. - The perils of getting middle school sex ed classes in the 90's. Like we shown really bad 80's movies about sex. There was a plastic model of what is in the body. And we talked about body odors. So like everything was in cartoon form, grainy, or just like talked about. Yeah, I really wish I had an updated thought or progressive thinking in how they present sex ed these days or especially in adult forms. I am such a puritan for no reason. To add insult injury - It came up on my credit card statement as "ROUGH SEX EVENT" FML So i went to a local Oktoberfest festival with my roommates (Slumlord and Naked Yogi) and met up with two girlfriends Cee Cee and Dee
It was Dee's birthday - she turned 33 that day (and Cee Cee is 31). Both of them are very, very pretty and they look like they are about 24 years old MAX. No one believes them when they say their age I arrive with Naked Yogi and Slumlord at the meeting place to meet up with the girls. Naked Yogi: "You fine ladies come here to pick up guys?" Dee: "Sure. Why not? It's my birthday and meeting new guys would be fun." Naked Yogi: "Alright, alright. I like your answer. Yeah you need to get on that because you are getting up there." Me, Dee and Cee Cee just death stare him. Needless to say Dee is the most annoyed out of all of us and we ditch Naked Yogi and Slumlord there. Fast Forward 2 Hours Later: Cee Cee thinks it's a good idea to sit on a bench outside and pick up guys walking by. Two preppy guys stop to chat. Me (in my head): "Sh$t they look young. Pretty sure they look jailbait young. I am just going to sit here and watch this unfold." Cee Cee and Dee start flirting back 5 minutes into it, finally Dee asks: "Ok, just how old are you guys." Guy 1: "21." Dee: "Ha ha, okay you guys seem nice, but you got to go. I am way older than you guys." Guy 1: "If I say I am 25 would that help? (Yeah he is still trying). It can't be that big of a difference." Dee: "Yeah, I am still older." Guy 1: "How old are you really?" (Dee should have lied in my opinion) Dee: "33." Guy 2 says to Guy 1: "Duuuuudddeee, she could be like your mom or something." At this point I can't help but start laughing Guy 2 sees I am just laughing and sees Dee start laughing so much she is crying. Guy 2 to Dee: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you, Ma'am." And proceeds to pat her on the shoulder like you do someone who is a child or super elderly Just an fyi: Words of advice/wisdom: BOYS - never call a girl "Ma'am" unless she is like 60 So by this point i am still on ground, rolling with laughter, Dee is laughing/crying harder, Cee Cee is just falling off the bench laughing Guy 2 looks confused: "Have I done something? I was trying to be respectful." At thing point there is no salvaging this and I say: "Yeah, we got to go. We have to get jello from the community center and we need time to race our walkers there." Guy 1 and 2 literally floundered for like 2 awkward minutes not knowing what to do as we are just laughing so much our stomachs hurt, then they (did the wise thing and) bolted. Poor Dee, got insulted twice on her birthday. Thank god there was a ton of beer at the Oktoberfest to help (a little bit). Yep, this was two weeks after my dad's heart surgery operation. See the interest in chocolate and her diet class (she is 108 pounds....)... She also brought up the chocolate again in an email before I found out my dad was in the hospital again (which I only found out because I called my dad because I couldn't get a hold of her for something random)..
ER visit for 4 days - no biggie in her book. Yes. That is brilliant idea. Now a guy who has a heart condition and with no short term memory is left propped up next to some photos not knowing where he is and can't speak.
Getting my dad a dog tag for Xmas say, "Help! I'm lost! Please call ____." Me: "Ugh my roommate never wears shirts or pants. I mean, he works out 3.5 hours a day, so he is buff, but like it's still gross."
Sister: "Yeah, my boyfriend was laying around the bed without a shirt and I was so disgusted. And he had all this hair just sticking straight up that looked like those troll dolls. So I asked him if I could push a gem into his belly button so I could rub his tummy and make a wish. He got a shirt on immediately and went and got a haircut." Me: "God, you are brilliant." My mother last night when I called her:
"You know, honey, becoming a lesbian wouldn't be settling. Just so you know." Me (bug eyed looking at my phone): "What the?!... Thank you, I guess?!" Moral of the story: My mother is 1) oddly progressive for someone who is super conservative in nature and 2) super desperate for me to find someone, anyone. She is trying to rationalize why I am still single - I guess she thought maybe I wasn't comfortable talking about my supposed sexual orientation? Yeah last time I checked I still liked guys, but glad I have her blessing Roommate: Ummm so are you going to be here on Valentine's Day? Me: Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be? I'm single. Going to watch some Will and Grace and sleep. Roommate: Well I will be here too... with my new girlfriend... so if you don't want a repeat of being woken up again from us being loud, I suggest you find other housing for the night. Me:..... You have got to be kidding me Yep... had to go and sleep on someone else's couch for the night... And he broke up with his new girlfriend the morning after Valentine's Day... What a winner What I planned to send my new roommate as a Be My Valentine Card
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AubreyA girl trying to enjoy life on the West Coast without any worries, but odd things just keep happening. Archives
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