What Happens When You: Work, Date, And Try To Stay Away From Crazies
It all goes horribly wrong.
So I recently moved into a dorm styled long term hostel. Yeah, that is another story, but I recently got a new next door neighbor. Let's call her Crazy Chic aka CC. 2 AM Last night, with my earplugs in I hear a bloody curdling screaming. It was CC. She was screaming at some guy in her room "Get out you masochistic pig." Stomp stomp, shove, door slam. Yeah it was a legit slam that shook my wall. 3 Minutes Later Someone bangs on her door hard (I am assuming it's the doorman). Doorman pounding on the door yelling, "Open the door!" CC screaming back: "What? No! Go away!" Doorman: "Open the door, don't make me get the key. Just give me the guy's jacket so he will leave." CC screams back: "I will just throw it out the window!" Doorman: "Just give me the jacket so he will leave!" CC screaming: "There is no jacket!" Doorman clearly bewildered yells back: "You just said there was a jacket!" CC: "THERE IS NO JACKET!" Doorman huffs off. 1 Minute Later: I hear a window being opened, hear some rustling like something was getting thrown out the window. Along with a string of obscenities. Slamming window. 30 Seconds Later: My reaction: "Oh f&ck I forgot to order my lunch for tomorrow! Got to do it now." Turns on phone and gets it done. Moral of the story: Thank you, CC for waking me up enough so I wouldn't starve tomorrow. There are more CC stories and it's only been two weeks. I plan to make a whole tv series about this chick.
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.Ewww....
He says when we do "couple's laundry" (aka puts his laundry in with mine in the washing machine), a lot of my underwear static clings to his yoga towel when he pulls it out for class. So he is embarrassed and has to bring it back to his car. But I am super suspect. Like why is it so crumpled? And why so many pairs that even a panty thief would be jealous? I am going to wash them in bleach.. IN A SEPARATE CYCLE When Your Slumlord Takes Out A Piece Of Glass Out Of Naked Yogi Roommate's Foot... With A Shot Vac8/21/2015 Such a guy solution.
Slumlord breaks glass, and cleans, like a guy (aka not well) Naked Yogi, is well naked and barefoot steps on a piece of glass and howls for Slumlord to help. Slumlord pries with shitty tweezers and resorts to the shot vac.to suction out the big chunk of glass. Shot vac on foot = glass pulls out of foot. Both smile and say surgery was successful.. Moral of the story: I live with idiots. Yep.. Apparently it is now a thing. He is that comfortable with me. He has given this process a name, henceforth it means it exists.
He has seen more of my panties than any other guy has by far at this point. Part of me is super disturbed. The other part of me is happy he does both the laundry and sorts it for me... As I have overheard my other roommate, naked yogi, to his friend: "It's really unhealthy. Him and his chick are in his room for 7 hours, resurface for food and go back in... I mean really, after half an hour I am done, I got sh*t to do."
Wise words, my friend. Wise words. Can you tell how much hate I have right now? Seriously, you couldn't read it said first and second class (mail) on it? The International Air label didn't give you warning signs?! And that old school kitchen scales had scooped/cup rather than a flat top? His mind was blown. Only he would put a mail scale in the kitchen... Part of me was at least proud he let me chuck the rusting thing. Baby steps My look to him.
I was minding my own business and I turn around and I see my roommate leisurely walking to his room NAKED from the shower. He was all Botticelli Venus de Milo about it all - calmly posing with what looked to be his underwear in front of him, but I saw enough. It's like I burned my retinas.
And Insult upon injury - I KNOW HIS TOWEL WAS IN THE BATHROOM WHERE HE TOOK HIS SHOWER!!! Has he been doing this everytime he has showered and I haven't noticed!? When Dorothy said," There is no place like home", she was tripping. I am all about running out of my house with my heels on fire! One of my guy roommates loves yoga. What does that mean? It means a lot of spandex. Like a lot. And not normal colored spandex. For instance, if it is a normal grey or black, there is always piping to accentuate certain parts of the anatomy...
Okay, so we go to a park to workout. He goes his way in his bright yellow capri length spandex and short shorts and no shirt, I go my way in my full on baggy outfit (1. not at his fitness level on any scale and 2. yeah, that much stuff makes me uncomfortable), we meet at the end. We go home. And done. Walking back to the car after we both are finished, there is a kid and her mom. Kid, pointing: "Mommy, why is that man not wearing pants?" Mother whips around. Mother:"Oh no, sweetie, the man has pants on, but it is hard to see." As she hurries her kid away from us. All I am thinking: "God we are going to be on America's Most Wanted and added to the national Sex Offenders List" Has my yogi roommate learned his lesson? Nope. He still goes there in that outfit. I think it's his favorite. When Your Roommate Shows You The Signed Guitar His Girlfriend Gave Him After One Week Of Dating5/14/2015 I must have missed something. Maybe I am blind and he is all that and a bag a chips. His last girlfriend, which lasted two weeks, bought him expensive leather shoes and a very, very expensive electric razor.He is getting showered with gifts. And these girls aren't trolls. They are pretty, but I am not sure why they need to give him stuff... what just happened here. Is this the new dating norm? I DON'T UNDERSTAND Roommate: Ummm so are you going to be here on Valentine's Day? Me: Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be? I'm single. Going to watch some Will and Grace and sleep. Roommate: Well I will be here too... with my new girlfriend... so if you don't want a repeat of being woken up again from us being loud, I suggest you find other housing for the night. Me:..... You have got to be kidding me Yep... had to go and sleep on someone else's couch for the night... And he broke up with his new girlfriend the morning after Valentine's Day... What a winner What I planned to send my new roommate as a Be My Valentine Card
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AubreyA girl trying to enjoy life on the West Coast without any worries, but odd things just keep happening. Archives
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